Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
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I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right