Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
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My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.