They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
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MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
a god among men
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
choose your fighter
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good