Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
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Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents