trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
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You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
My beach vacation Google searches
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.