[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
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[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit