The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
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[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
technically true but not a great slogan
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.