I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
You Might Also Like
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Bobby pin
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough