[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
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I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno