Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
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She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Going into Monday like
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.