[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
You Might Also Like
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.