Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
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The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
the dark web is just a goth google.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Good news
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?