God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
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I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
New tinder profile pic
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me