Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
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[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
my professor scared me for a second
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?