[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
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If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Cat.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.