What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
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If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.