The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
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My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.