my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
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hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
A great tip. #CakeRex
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Where’s my employee discount too?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.