what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
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How animals would run if they were human
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
knights of the ikea table
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
asked my bf how work was today
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
What the hell happened here.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me