If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
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Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
58.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.