It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
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“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Thrilling chase underway
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks