Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.