Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
You Might Also Like
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
If a snake ate a cake
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.