People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
You Might Also Like
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
smartest karate player in the world