Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
You Might Also Like
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.