JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
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I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”