ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
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It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Waiting for the Charmin
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window