Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
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Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I didn’t come here to be called names
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?