People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
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GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”