Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
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Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Breakfast for Stoners:
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs