I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
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noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I hate my earbuds.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!