I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
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Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Bike is short for Bichael.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?