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Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
not for long
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I’m ready for Halloween this year
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.