Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
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me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
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