i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
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It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
A classic…
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person