Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
You Might Also Like
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.