Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
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My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
When you let grandma cat sit
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I put the hot in psychotic.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.