I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
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Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Trumpy Cat
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.