My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.