Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”