Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
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[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing