Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
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What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church