Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
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Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.