Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
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Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Tremendous stuff
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.