ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
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Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Word!
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
This will never not be funny 😭
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
incredible text to wake up to
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”