Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Weirdos gonna weird.
181.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
sleeping beauty
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.