As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
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IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.