if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
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Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
B
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.