heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
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Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.