Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
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Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
We all have our pet causes.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
The three genders
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”